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Did you recently get divorced or fired?

Does human interaction feel awkward, forced or unnecessary to you?

Then have we got a job offer for you.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture is currently taking applications for a caretaker who will rent and oversee a pair of “historic guard stations” (read: remote cabins in the woods) perched on 597,373 untarnished acres of Colorado’s San Juan National Forest.

The first charge is the spartan Aspen Guard Station near Mancos (see photo above), a three-bedroom log cabin with a kitchen, propane tank, well, solar system and wood-burning stove (the latter of which the winning applicant will need to replace with a propane stove). The second is the Glade Guard Station near Cortez, a white cottage with similar accommodations but the addition of a barn and some recently installed corrals.

Duties include: waste and garbage removal, utilities maintenance, tree felling and general upkeep, the costs for which can be offset via rental to vacationers. Any left-over revenue is yours, so long as you report everything judiciously and pay Uncle Sam his share.

The minimum term for the job is two years, with the option to non-competitively extend for up to five more years thereafter.

So, uh, see you in 2024.

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